You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
