Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
