I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
