I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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