Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
