so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
