mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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