No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
