Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize