Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
