My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
