John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize