why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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