Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize