i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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