just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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