According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize