He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
