mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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