we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
