I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize