So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
