I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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