Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
