Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
