I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize