you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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