well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize