I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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