I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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