Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
