she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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