dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
