then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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