i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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