woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
