he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
