also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
