I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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