I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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