just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
