Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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