I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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