I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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