In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
