I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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