If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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