if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
