oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
