Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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