just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
