I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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