Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
as a side note pls kill me
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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