One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
ugly people sure do ruin things
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
