he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize