I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
