I hate your face
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
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