Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
