defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
