why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize