How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm determined to sit on that face.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
